This Morning at 12:35 am my best friend would have been 25. I never really talked a whole lot about Ryan on here because I've never been able to put our friendship in a box. He was my best friend, my brother and at times my substitute boyfriend. He was the one person who could read me by sight and the only person who got an all-access pass to me. (the good and the bad that goes along with that) And he hated blogging. "who on earth, other than me, would want to listen about what you did today" was one of his favorite things to say about it. He and I met when I was 15 and he was 13. It was in a quite extra holding room in the children's hospital ER. He first started making faces at my father. Who in turn made them back at him. He was there because since the age of two he had an arrhythmia. The tinniest little flutter to his heart beat. But he was suffering from unexplained headaches just like me. We spent 4 weeks in the same hospital room with two other kids. The 4 of us tried to make the best of doing homework that was faxed to us, and feeling as miserable as we did. Ryan was the one who con the nurses into letting us watch outside dvds on the TV. So we would watch bloody bloody horror movies on a tv with a treehouse overlay. We were as happy as teenagers in a hospital could be. At the end of the 4 weeks he was sent to Cleveland to have his benign brain tumor removed. I was sent to Minneapolis for another round of battery tests. He called everyday after he was transfered. He'd email just as often. For 12 years, he was there in the background, If i was hurting or sad, he was on a plane and we would spend days curled up in bed watching movies, reading books to each other.If I was a sailor, he was polaris. The last time I saw him, was NYE he came over to watch thin man movies with me and a few of my friends. I'll never forget his stupid resistant to me moving to portland. (his dreaded ex-girlfriend grew up here) He wanted me to move to brooklyn with him. NYC is not somewhere i care to live anymore. I came up to portland in january for a job interview. After a long and strange night on the town with new friends. I came back to the hotel and plugged in my long dead phone, to 24 missed called from ryan's mother. My best friend was gone. For the last 6 months, i've tried to deal with it, but it feels like a dream. I still call his voicemail to hear his voice. Sometimes I email him when i am really lost. I know how crazy that sounds, I just don't know what else to do. Yesterday I baked the three layer chocolate cake that I always baked him for his birthday. I knew it was silly and a little bit stupid to bake a birthday cake for no one, but the routine of baking and the tradition that I only bake this cake once a year was one less thing that had changed. just to make sure that this cake didn't go to waste my friend Christopher came over last night and had the first piece. I also ate a piece for breakfast, something else the two of us would do. Today I've struggled threw the best I could, Ate tacos, wound yarn in to balls, and went and watch Carrie (one of the really bloody horror movies we would watch on that treehouse TV). It wasn't exactly how i planned it, but it wasn't as bad I kept thinking and dreaming it would be. I miss you Rye bread, I hope that you are happier where ever you are now.